Everything and Nothing
by Princess of Monkeys
Summary: Songfic- Kitty realizes she made a mistake. (Post- Shadowdance)


"Everything and Nothing" By Princess of Monkeys  
  
Ah, the necessary disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the computer that I'm typing this on. So if you sue me, you'll get- repeat after me- nothing!  
  
The lyrics I used for this piece come from the song "Everything You Want," by Vertical Horizon. It seemed an especially fitting song.  
  
A/N: For continuity, this story takes place some time after Shadowdance, but before Hex Factor. Kitty and Lance are getting closer, and Kurt's settled in happily with Amanda.  
  
Kitty wandered dispiritedly through the halls of the Institute. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and she was bored. Jubilee, Bobby and Roberto were monopolizing the TV, arguing over which lame science fiction movie to watch- no fun there! Through the window, she caught sight of Rahne and Sam playing Frisbee- nah, too much running around. Evan had gone skating, Rogue was being anti-social in the library, Scott was working on his car, and she knew Ray was in the hangar waxing the X-jet as punishment for something- she didn't even want to know what he'd done to make Logan mad this time. She could hear Amara screaming about something and calling Jamie a "worthless peasant boy" in the kitchen, and decided she didn't want to be anywhere near that little catastrophe. She contemplated homework, before remembering that she'd done it all on Friday, before her date with Lance.  
  
_I guess I could call him_ she thought as she walked upstairs, but even thoughts of Lance failed to bring her out of her boredom. Trying to shake it off, she thought back to Friday night. He'd recently gotten a job, and had a little extra cash, so he'd decided to make it a real date. For once he'd showed up on time, cleaned up and dressed in a nice button down shirt and a pair of unripped jeans, with a single red rose for her. And miracle of all miracles, he and Scott hadn't gotten into an argument. He'd been trying so hard to be romantic, taking her to a semi-nice restaurant which served a vegetarian menu. She remembered how he'd looked at her across the table, unruly brown hair falling in his eyes and his trademark smirk softening into a genuine smile as they talked about school and traded anecdotes about their respective friends. She'd been enjoying herself quite a bit- until Toad and Pietro showed up to wreak havoc and get them all thrown out. Her expression glum again, she sighed. _I know it's not his fault that his housemates are morons, but I wish we could have just one normal date!_  
  
However, thoughts of using the phone were quickly discarded as she passed by Kurt's room. He'd left his door partway open, and she could hear snatches of his conversation with someone who could only be Amanda, since he certainly didn't call anyone else she knew "mein liebling." From around the door, she could see his blue spaded tale wagging happily. _He'll probably be on the phone till dinner_ she thought bitterly, surprising herself. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she'd felt a bit weird around Kurt since the dance. _He's my best friend, I should be happy for him that he's got Amanda. She likes him just the way he is_ She really was happy for him- the two of them really seemed to be good for each other. But sometimes, she couldn't help comparing their relationship to hers, noticing how Kurt treated Amanda like a princess all the time, and wishing Lance could be like that more often. It wasn't jealousy- surely she wasn't jealous of her best friend's happiness- right?  
  
Pushing the uncomfortable thoughts away, she continued down the hall, not really sure of her destination. As she neared Jean's room at the corner where two hallways intersected, she could hear music blasting out through the open door, and Jean's voice, muffled and slightly off-key, singing along. As she got closer, she could make out the individual words.  
  
"He's everything you want, he's everything you need, he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be, he says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why."  
  
The words pulled at Kitty, tugging stray thoughts from her mind. Transfixed, she stood in the doorway, not wanting to listen but somehow needing to hear more. Oblivious, concentrating on the task of cleaning out her closet, Jean kept singing along.  
  
"You're waiting for someone to put you together, you're waiting for someone to push you away, there's always another wound to discover, there's always something more you wish he'd say."  
  
It was true. Those lines were true; Lance had pushed her away countless times, and she'd done the same to Kurt on numerous occasions in the past. There was always something more in Lance's past for her to discover- but he never really did say the things she wanted to hear. Memories washed over her, of someone completely different. Kurt trying so hard to befriend her, when she'd first arrived and she was still frightened by his appearance; the way he'd flirt with her all the time, no matter how many times she refused to give him a chance; how he'd fend everyone off just so she could have a few precious moments of privacy to write to her family; chasing her around at Christmas with mistletoe begging for a kiss; the way he'd held her when she cried, homesick for the safe and familiar world she'd left behind in Illinois, and how he'd brought her flowers when she got hurt in the Danger Room. he'd done everything and anything for her, and she'd never appreciated any of it, always pushing him away and refusing to consider his feelings for her- all for something as shallow as not looking "normal." He was wonderful and special and unique, and she'd rejected him because she'd been to blind and stubborn to see that in his case, blue was definitely beautiful.  
  
She broke out of her thoughts in time to hear the end of the song. As she listened, she could hear a German- accented voice singing the words plaintively, almost accusingly, inside hr mind.  
  
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be, I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why."  
  
_Oh god, I'm so stupid!_ Kitty thought. _I could have had a prince, a blue fuzzy elf prince, but now it's too late_ Stifling a cry, she turned and fled back down the hall.  
  
In the silence between songs, Jean heard a sob and felt a wave of sadness wash over her mind. She looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of a very distinctive ponytail outside her bedroom doorway.  
  
"Kitty?"  
  
But by the time she made it past all the clothes on her floor and out to the hallway, the other girl was nowhere in sight. 


End file.
